My head is spinning from study today. There is no sense in doing any sales work during this Thanksgiving week, so I'm giving myself permission to do other things.

Two things:

First, I did hear a call from Our Lady during prayer, which was an intense, but very calm and very real calling. I have a vision now for uniting all of my various and disparate skills and aptitudes. I have discovered that The Will is for me to return to practicing law, in defense of children. Likely in the class action arena. Further, I'll be involved in direct ministry to children in prisons, beginning locally (we have a juvenile detention center and 'camp' within a few miles of my home). Eventually, I mean to be able to support myself, my family and my ministry with this work, to include adding other brothers and eventually sisters to this work to advance the state and care of children throughout our society.

I look forward to beginning this sacred task. The devil is in the details of course, but I have no fear. I may have to stay in my current work position for many years before I can become fully self-supporting, but I don't care. I have a plan that is finally big enough for me, and a worthy challenge. So I feel very peaceful and at rest even as I face what will be a very challenging career. It feels as though the last four decades have been rescued from obscurity and meaninglessness by this single moment in time, or out of time as the case may be.

So, I look forward to seeing how The Will plans to make all of this work out. In the meantime, I have several "immediate" items on my 'to-do' list to start things rolling.

A very blessed turn of events.

Oh, the second thing wasn't nearly as earth-shattering. More mind-wobbling. I was doing some study on apostolic succession---oi vey! What a mess! Well. All in all I'm pretty convinced that our priests, bishops and patriarchs are pretty much all related one way or another. But further cross-pollination is pretty necessary---90+% of the current 5000 RCC bishops, and most of our recent popes are descended or can be documented back to the ordination of a single, 16th century Bishop--and we can't get any further back from that (yes, we have all the records of the popes back to the 2d century--pretty much---but the actual laying on of hands from bishop to bishop is what I'm talking about). So, hopefully we'll find some more records in the next hundred years or so before all is lost to fill in some gaps. In the meantime, it is good and holy work that the Gnostic and Independent bishops are doing. We are sewing back together our fairly ragged cloak of succession---all to the good.

Signing off . . . . visit my new altar(s); the one dedicated to the Holy Innocents of our day is here.

Since I found my 'magic' rosary (easier to call it that than describe the whole story every time!), I've been reminded of my devotion to the Virgin of Virgins, Queen of the Apostles. Enjoy this performance by my favorite musical group, Libera. If only I could be pure of heart as a child! If only the divine rays of god would shine through me without this holy pain of ecstasy and death. If only . . . . If only this prison of flesh bounded me not . . . if only, if only the hearts of Mary and Jesus would explode into my body, leaving nothing but the appearance of me.

"Blessed quietness".

There is an old hymn called "blessed quietness". I don't remember any of the words (and don't feel like 'googling' it) but I remember the feel. And that's where I've been. Well, my own version of it. My day is interspersed with terrible joys and pains from my worship and praxis, but I am workign on 'surrender', which is more complicated and wonderful than I would ever have thought--especially given my personality.

But I am so blessed to have three wonderful people that help me on a regular basis as confessors and spiritual directors. So my vocations as monastic and as cleric are 'on path.'



And, for me, this is a wonderful time of peacefulness and rest. Well, you know, a restful place. I still work nearly constantly, and usually six days a week--soon to increase to seven, I fear.



And I've taken on the "Little Flower" as my guardian for the rest of my formation process. She is the perfect advocate and guide. I've honored her on my 'temple of the jesu' site.



All is well.

haven't posted in ages. my life has been pretty dry. but the divine office has helped to keep me, keep me, well, i don't know what to call it. alive? not sure. In a 21st century way, i feel my enemies (money, circumstances, health) closing in around me. O Lord, save me QUICKLY!

In the meantime, I am very pleased that my little Priory has officially begun and we now have a small website to celebrate it. Of course, so much more to do with it. But i am allowed precious little time to devote to such projects, fun as they are.

Pray for me as I will for thee.

today during prima, i was overcome by the death of the innocents. for some time, I have had in my mind the fact of the suffering of innocents in every moment in every day and night in all times from all eternity to all eternity. Surely this suffering is a burden of burdens to the Jesu. Yet, he does his work and listens to our petty problems and our petty burdens and foibles. All the time, does he not speak into the ears of the children? Does he not whisper sweet nothings into the ears of the dying innocents, as they lie dying on battlefields in Africa, as they lie in tears being molested, beaten, shamed, battered, abused? How can I escape this reality in every moment of my day? Only by the grace of God can I do all I can with these two simple and very limited hands to attempt to love those near me. To be the words of the Jesu to the three children entrusted to me. O God! spare at least the children. And let my prayers be sweetness in their tender hearts. Let my prayers by a strength to all those I cannot reach or imagine. Let blessings pour out of me to them; somehow.

And please, holy martyrs to evil, you who live in the innermost heart of Jesus, pray for me, a fool. Pray for me, a fool. Yet pray to God that my foolishness may prevent yet one precious child from experiencing the suffering you suffered. O Gracious Martyrs, pray for me---let me be the hands of Jesus. Yes! The hands and feet as well. Let me not shrink from rooting out evil---let me not shrink from the suffering of your holy brothers and sisters in this plane of evil and death and decay. For your youth should have been full of wonder and joy. And yet you suffered as no man or woman can comprehend, at least, that is our prayer. Holy Innocents---take our hearts up to the holy altar of the Jesu and sanctify us. Let our hands, our feet, our tongues, our minds, be turned into that ineffable gold, that purest platinum, that most glorious silver of the Eternal flame. O Innocents, we pray to you, we look to you, we cry out to you. Have mercy on our stupidity, ignorance and arrogance. Please pray to the Ineffable that we have one more day in which to insert a modicum of justice into this world of illusion--of illusion full of barbs, daggers and demons.

We proclaim your death Lord Jesus, until you come again . . . . . .

i had one of those experiences that you can look at several ways.



the most fantastical way of looking at it is that I saw a fully corporeal angel, in the form of a grumpy middle-aged woman--who brought me a beautiful, never-touched (so it seemed) glass-beaded and metal filigree rosary. when i asked her what this was all about she said "you figure it out." Of course, my angelic encounters have to be with grumpy people---no music, no wings, no halos, just down-to-earth stuff. figures.



there are more mundane ways of interpreting all this, I know. But I don't believe them.



but i'm not quite sure what this all means. it remains to be seen perhaps.

still sick. making it hard to give a darn about work, prayer, anything. yikes!

Mixed bag. This weekend was obsessed with creating ANOTHER cyber-temple, this time to the Jesu. I think it is cool. But then, I would, wouldn't I? Of course all invited to site and worship there.

On the negative end, I just figured out how much in the hole we are at this rate per year---it is steep and has too many digits. way. So, trying to figure that one out. So, in all, today counts in the 'if i was going to have an emotional reaction to the physical world this is it' sort of day.

Five years running of really, really horrible financial problems is beginning to wear a little thin.

The new temple is on the left side panel if you want to click on it and check it out.

a day of crises. a day of misunderstandings. a day of sensitive feelings. a day of decisions. all for the best.

now if i can just get back to my 'real work'. but perhaps, all these interruptions ARE my 'real work'.

as the astrologers say: 'the moon is in caca'.

alas and alack.

it seems whenever i join a new group, start a new blog, etc., i get interest and comments. then, people realize just how off the deep end i am and they clam up. i'm hoping that my new community stays with me. it feels so lonely on the fringe of the world. i feel exhilerated standing here on the end of all things---looking out onto a waterfall of one trillion miles--looking out onto this starry carpet of eternity, my toes hanging over the edge of space and time. my mind connected by ten trillion filia of enormous length reaching out into the sum total of all things and to the ineffable, unreachable, source, the source that is not conscious of itself, but requires the intervention of its unconscious urges to create a reflection, feeling the primordial earth under my toes---black, rich, like the darkest blackest chocolate cake of earth and loam. the first worms of creation touching my heels in sympathy.

but there is no one to hold my hand. yes, other than for you my lover, sweet. but shall it be we two for all ages? i had thought that a great host would accompany me, could see with my eyes, feel with my toes. but it is not to be.

all my joys and raptures and sorrows and ecstasies only we to shall share, my love. and then, when i leave this vegetable casing, this seed crust, this flesh of corruption and decay, all that i was shall be forgotten, by all, by me. and yes, i shall have you and you shall have me. but the old me shall have fallen away into nothingness. may i shed one tear for that which was once me? that which was once knowable and known? for why, oh why did you place me here? the pain! the glory! the pleasures! and, yes, o gods! o gods! o gods! the terrible lonliness. i am an alien on earth, and i am an alien in this divine garden of sweetness. i am a man of no land. of no place. i have no passport other than your sweeteset hand in mine, o my lover. hold me and make me forget this world of matter. let me see only thou. for only in thou shall i forget my agony for a moment.

wretch that i am!!!!! perhaps it would have been better to be asleep eternally as my brethern are. perhaps better to live in unwakened pains rather than this wakeful terror. o god! i prayed for this and you gave it me. you are too cruel! yet, i count it all worth it just to touch your sacred fingers. i would live this life 100 times more just for the briefest touch of thy holy flesh--my finger to your finger. for one flash of your eyes--bright, dark, fierce, kindly, in love.

o catch me as i fall, dear lover. as i fall down to this loamy soil. the grass, new, untread, with dew, unspoilt, catch me, and hold me in your puisssant arms. for i die again this morning.

for once i died when i slept. now i die when i awake again into this world of shadow-beauty, of reflected-glory, of false-somethingness. o god. can i really face 100 more years of this ecstatic union/separation? shield my mind. let me rest. let me sink into the earth for a while. and renew my limbs.

Roman God Antinous

I stumbled across an extremely interesting Pagan Church, focused solely on the Roman Cult of Antinous. The history is extremely fascinating and worthy of study. It also fits in to the early Christian Gnostic and non-Christian Gnostic traditions of the early common era. I think this cult is worthy of attention for all, especially Gnostics, and most especially Gnostics with an interest in the Greco-Roman religious traditions. Check is out here:

Prayer to St. Valentius (my version)

Most Holy Brother Valentinus,

Who walked among us in the flesh and the FULLNESS,

Who lives now in the Spirit and the FULLNESS,

I pray to you who brought the light of God to us:

who opened our eyes to the light of the Jesu,

who opened our eyes to the light of all the HEAVENLY HOST--the known and the arreton

who opened our eyes to the light of the REFLECTION of your love,

who opened our eyes to the light of the MIRROR of your love,

who opened our eyes to the ineffable SOURCE of all love,

Grant me the wisdom to know truth from falsehood,

Grant me the widsom to find the hidden light of true KNOWLEDGE,

that it may descend to me and open my hart and mind,

that it may permeat me and flow through my veins,

that it may surround me and bless all that come near me,

that it may pour out from me and bless all whom I bless.

I pray most holy Brother Valentinus,

that you who found true KNOWLEDGE,

whose work and influence earned you the seat of Peter, but when denied to you narrowly by narrow margin did not dissuade you from your holy work, which work was and is worthy and tested and vibrant even unto this day,

would help me in that path,

would be my example of right mind and right thought,

would glorify my mind and body unto the FULLNESS and perfection,

would be a conduit of grace and create in me a yet greater conduit of further grace,

and would be a hero to my mind and heart of the faith.

O you who gave up all for the KNOWLEDGE and the FULLNESS and for liberty.

We ask all these things with confidence in your attentive ear,

And because of our brotherhood and sisterhood in THE NAME,
in comunion with all the heavenly hosts, from eternity to all eternities.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

O Golden fire that cools.

Ye cumulous of brimstone.

Hail all you stones, crushing, cinders piercing, the death of all.

Life to ash.

Grass to black.

Blue to murk.

Sweet to salt. . .

I thunder in the sky.

Celebrating St. Brigit in the Divine Office Today

Let us pray, O Lord our God, Who, through thine Only-begotten Son, didst cause thy blessed hand-maid Bridget to see certain things . . . .

which are naturally known not on earth but in heaven . . . .

grant unto us thy servants at her motherly prayers, to be one day blessed for ever in the vision of thine eternal glory.

In my mind at this point, my entry into the 'wandering' monastic life (and no less 'real', 'true' or 'monastic' than the cloistered life I discovery) and my path toward priesthood, the two entertwined, feels to me a powerful combination--much like a wizard, druid and healer all in one. But the magic is much more subtle than i though. As I descend into the blessed fullness, may my physical circumstances not be forgotten. Let me resolve to fulfill my commitments to this physical life be borne joyfully, although at times they are heavy, and at other times merely wearying. Even when light, they are like a pressure that keeps sub-zero water from freezing, that keeps super-heated water from boiling. Necessary, but uncomfortable.

O god. Yes. This mortal frame is your temple. I will tend it and care for it as long as i can. and when the time to shed it for that celestial temple, i will leave it regretfully, wistfully, but joyfully. And yet, perhaps there shall be no shedding at all . . . . .