alas and alack.

it seems whenever i join a new group, start a new blog, etc., i get interest and comments. then, people realize just how off the deep end i am and they clam up. i'm hoping that my new community stays with me. it feels so lonely on the fringe of the world. i feel exhilerated standing here on the end of all things---looking out onto a waterfall of one trillion miles--looking out onto this starry carpet of eternity, my toes hanging over the edge of space and time. my mind connected by ten trillion filia of enormous length reaching out into the sum total of all things and to the ineffable, unreachable, source, the source that is not conscious of itself, but requires the intervention of its unconscious urges to create a reflection, feeling the primordial earth under my toes---black, rich, like the darkest blackest chocolate cake of earth and loam. the first worms of creation touching my heels in sympathy.

but there is no one to hold my hand. yes, other than for you my lover, sweet. but shall it be we two for all ages? i had thought that a great host would accompany me, could see with my eyes, feel with my toes. but it is not to be.

all my joys and raptures and sorrows and ecstasies only we to shall share, my love. and then, when i leave this vegetable casing, this seed crust, this flesh of corruption and decay, all that i was shall be forgotten, by all, by me. and yes, i shall have you and you shall have me. but the old me shall have fallen away into nothingness. may i shed one tear for that which was once me? that which was once knowable and known? for why, oh why did you place me here? the pain! the glory! the pleasures! and, yes, o gods! o gods! o gods! the terrible lonliness. i am an alien on earth, and i am an alien in this divine garden of sweetness. i am a man of no land. of no place. i have no passport other than your sweeteset hand in mine, o my lover. hold me and make me forget this world of matter. let me see only thou. for only in thou shall i forget my agony for a moment.

wretch that i am!!!!! perhaps it would have been better to be asleep eternally as my brethern are. perhaps better to live in unwakened pains rather than this wakeful terror. o god! i prayed for this and you gave it me. you are too cruel! yet, i count it all worth it just to touch your sacred fingers. i would live this life 100 times more just for the briefest touch of thy holy flesh--my finger to your finger. for one flash of your eyes--bright, dark, fierce, kindly, in love.

o catch me as i fall, dear lover. as i fall down to this loamy soil. the grass, new, untread, with dew, unspoilt, catch me, and hold me in your puisssant arms. for i die again this morning.

for once i died when i slept. now i die when i awake again into this world of shadow-beauty, of reflected-glory, of false-somethingness. o god. can i really face 100 more years of this ecstatic union/separation? shield my mind. let me rest. let me sink into the earth for a while. and renew my limbs.