well, one of my beloved eremite sisters asked that i post once in a while about my vocation--basically, anything that wasn't more of my 'poetry.'
so. all is well. I had my second meeting with my Bishop--he is such a jewel. And very tender. That's nice, because that's exactly what I need right now. I'm beginning to get tired of pretending to be strong all the time, even to myself. So, when I speak with him, i get to be vulnerable; it's nice. I've read two books on my list! Although my Bishop isn't interested in milestones, just LIFE. well. i can't help but feel as though I need to keep up my end of things and study diligently. although, as with brother Merton, I only get one to two hours a day to read (well, his was to write, but you know what i mean), so I have to read quickly.
And today i 'invetend' a new prayer form for myself. I used quotations because of course there is nothing new under the sun, but it is new and idiosyncratic to me at least.
I have been going through an anti-theurgic phase--focusing on a more 'magickal' approach (a term I use rather loosely so don't freak, mom). But, lately, there has been growing a more theurgic nature to my praxis. It started as a prelude to my 'real' prayer while my coffee water boiled. Then became a sort of necessary part of my preparation for my 'work', as well as a psychic opening of myself into, um, myself (hard to explain). But anyway, I would extend the slit in reality, vulva of the Divine and let it grow until instead of being a tiny part of my mind, it would be large enough to engulf my entire body, and my entire prayer carpet (um, it's big).
But the breakthrough was today when I stayed in that prayer mode for the entire morning. It started out as visualization (fantasy exploration) of what it would be like with my first parish, mentoring other men (and women, if they would have me) into either a deeper spiritual life or the priesthood--and it became a very interested extension of my older phase of pure worship prayer. I can't explain it now, but it is in the nature of becoming that bridge between humanity and God--that true becoming of priest. I feel that every week has become like a 'minor order' advancement in my calling as priest. Today, and only today, i began to understand that 'nothingness' that mystics are continually talking about. It is not nothingness to me, though---it is complete passivity, i am the phallus, the vulva, the holy canal and the womb, and i am the child.
i should put ratings on these posts at the top. This one got kind of pg-13-ish. But that's what happens. Sexual imagery just seems to be the only way to describe what is happening. Actually, it IS what is happening. I guess you just have to be there . . . .
Peace . . . . Maybe I should keep this sort of stuff on my private Shadowbook. But there you go. A brief glimpse into my unmasked spirituality, if you've stuck with me this long. . . . .
