4.28.2011






































"There are two tragedies in life, not getting what you want . . . and getting it."

I've finally realized that I am, perhaps all of us are, living in a Greek tragedy. We are raised high and then brought low by our own gifts, which also turn out to be our greatest faults.

Only in 'real' life the 'up and down process' plays out over and over and over again. Wearisome.

Reminds me of the final episode of the final season of "The Sopranos."

Yet, here we all are. We are left to play our assigned roles, inescapable.


4.26.2011

Being around people is so LOUD to me right now. I can barely call my clients back at work. Even emailing feels like touching hot coals. For an extrovert, this is a very new sensation. Even in my own home, where I crave the presence of my family, still I simultaneously want them far away. I just want to hide under a blanket on my sofa and contemplate/sleep until this is over.

It is like living in the middle of an extremely slow-motion thunder storm, with the 'mute' button pushed.

The sun rises. Glorious and beautiful, and only the tiniest flicker of wonder is left. At least there is that.

4.23.2011

journey.

a man reclines in a palanquin. next to him his lover lays, beautiful, the skin of a perfect back to him. the drapes of the palanquin are open on the sides, revealing a crushing vista.

mountains rise tens of thousands of feet into the air. their summits ruthlessly ravage and tear the skies and reach greedily into the heavens, impossible high, yet still unsatisfied.

below them lay the red rock roots reaching up. they touch only just the torso of these brothers of stone. these gods of their own making. and below them, beneath the bottom of their feet, the thinnest sliver-white blue strand of a stream winds in and out again, nearer then farther away from its neighbors.

the man watches, as the road upon which his bearers traverse brings him down, slowly, into the valley. for he too clutches the side of the mirror images of the mountains across from him

yet, the valley below is utterly flat, utterly green, utterly fertile. as pungently prolific and yielding as the rock above is sterile and rigid; as orderly and fragile as the mountains are all chaos and permanence.

the man looks away, back to his lover--still asleep. he reaches across into the intricately inlaid wood of his private library cabinet, and pulls out the scroll of the day. he opens it to the 48th day of Ailool, the 169th season of Common Time, the prayers for the hour of Mars. And he recites the coded runes in their gold and silver script under his breathe, while the crimson of his robes fall in folds, yet majestic in the cramped carriage. his silhouette reflecting the mountains parallel to him.

4.21.2011


Wow. Ordination is now behind me. Of course, that's like saying 'my wedding is behind me.' It feels just a disorienting and full and wonderful and bizarre as getting married (gollly, it's been 22 years since then!).

At any rate, I was going to write something 'spiritual-sounding', but right now, I don't know. I'm too 'full' right now to express anything coherently. As soon as i have digested some of this 9-pound steak that is sitting in my stomach, I'll be back.

4.11.2011


Almost there. Ordination is now six days away. What else is there to say?

The PRIEST has gently absorbed and broken down as much of the interior of the 'teapot' of my existence to have room to move. So the 'emptiness' 'blackness', which is in reality awesome potentiality and non-being and fullness, is sufficiently 'large' enough to permit ordination. It is amazing. The funny thing is that It still seems like I have an individual personality. I feel like I am God looking out at the world through theis small segment of a stained glass window that is the illusion and lie of 'me'.

Also, a very great consolation for me running up to ordination has been reading daily before communion the 'song of songs' from scripture. My Bishop assigned it to me. What an amazing book! Yes, of course I've read it before. But now, it is more and more wonderful.

Sorry, nothing 'interesting' to say today. But as I've been hiding from all cyber-interaction lately, I thought I'd just slap something up so that everyone knew i was still 'alive'. In a way.

What is really amazing is that whenever the spirit moves me in a 'ministerial' capacity: hard to describe that, i am still myself, but I feel the spirit of god flowing through me so amazingly, so brightly, and so gently. I keep wondering why no one can see the glow. actually, maybe they can.

Yet, of course, 'after the ecstasy, the laundry.'

speaking of which . . . .