Landmark day

OK. I can't keep it a secret anymore: and I'm diverging from my usual entry, which is poetic or mystic in nature. But this is just talk. I am thrilled and amazed and deeply gratified and only a little afraid, that I have been accepted as a seminarian for the priesthood. It is a wonderful (of course small) church (of course with Apostolic Succession), where I'll be mentored individually by the Bishop weekly. I'm so, just, amazed.

It's not with my initial focus of attention, the AJC, and I still love those folks, but they told me I wasn't right for them, twice, but to discern and that the door was open. And I took the Patriarch's tender and sincere instruction to discern to heart. And I have discerned that they were right; I'm not right for them. There is something in my spirituality (sort of hard to pin down) that just doesn't fit there. And by the Grace, I've found a home. I'm also blessed to have support not only from my Bishop, but also with spiritual direction of another Bishop (of another tradition). So, my spiritual 'posse' is getting fleshed out. It is sooooooooooooooooooooooo wonderful.

Thank you to all my family, my friends, my Lodge Brothers who have made this journey possible. Soon, soon I hope, I'll be made a deacon and able to begin a community here in SF. Glory!

Finally, finally! I'm out of the frying pan and deep in the fire!!!!!!!

6.17.10

i don't often do this, but I HAD to lift the below from Tau Langley's blog:

Hieratikon - The Paschal Homily of St. John Chrysostom

If anyone is devout and a lover of God, let them enjoy this beautiful and radiant festival.

If anyone is a grateful servant, let them, rejoicing, enter into the joy of his Lord.

If anyone has wearied themselves in fasting, let them now receive recompense.

If anyone has labored from the first hour, let them today receive the just reward.

If anyone has come at the third hour, with thanksgiving let them feast.

If anyone has arrived at the sixth hour, let them have no misgivings; for they shall suffer no loss.

If anyone has delayed until the ninth hour, let them draw near without hesitation.

If anyone has arrived even at the eleventh hour, let them not fear on account of tardiness.

For the Master is gracious and receives the last even as the first; he gives rest to him that comes at the eleventh hour, just as to him who has labored from the first.

He has mercy upon the last and cares for the first; to the one he gives, and to the other he is gracious.

He both honors the work and praises the intention.

Enter all of you, therefore, into the joy of our Lord, and, whether first or last, receive your reward.

O rich and poor, one with another, dance for joy!

O you ascetics and you negligent, celebrate the day!

You that have fasted and you that have disregarded the fast, rejoice today!

The table is rich-laden; feast royally, all of you!

The calf is fatted; let no one go forth hungry!

Let all partake of the feast of faith. Let all receive the riches of goodness.

Let no one lament their poverty, for the universal kingdom has been revealed.

Let no one mourn their transgressions, for pardon has dawned from the grave.

Let no one fear death, for the Saviour's death has set us free.

He that was taken by death has annihilated it!

He descended into Hades and took Hades captive!

He embittered it when it tasted his flesh! And anticipating this Isaiah exclaimed: "Hades was embittered when it encountered thee in the lower regions".

It was embittered, for it was abolished!

It was embittered, for it was mocked!

It was embittered, for it was purged!

It was embittered, for it was despoiled!

It was embittered, for it was bound in chains!

It took a body and came upon God!

It took earth and encountered heaven!

It took what it saw but crumbled before what it had not seen!

O death, where is thy sting? O Hades, where is thy victory?

Christ is risen, and you are overthrown!

Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen!

Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice!

Christ is risen, and life reigns!

Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in a tomb!

For Christ, being raised from the dead, has become the first-fruits of them that slept.

To him be glory and might unto ages of ages. Amen.

6.17.10

hands lifted. i look out, serene, upon the vista of blakc, purple, gold an pale wine. the sunset--sunrise?--is beauteous, but another vision captures my attention--for i see, i see a great host descending from on high, and soon i know i will join their blessed number--those who have known what it it to become the god, to be his wine, to be his bread.

i raised my hands and the world pivoted. i shall return to this rocky outpost--this vista where th eworlds unfold and the skies roll back and the deep things of the world are exposed to my piercing gaze.

for though my legs tremble, my arms are of steel. and my heart, my mind, my loins--they are in accord, they fear not, and they look, greedily, for what is next.

6.16.10

come, thou blessed exhaustion.
come, thou thrice-blessed mindlessness.

come, thou trial!
for my flesh is now larger, greater--each atom further apart.
thy arrows, o fleshy world, pass through me. and i remain.

i stand! i have lifted up my sword, piercing nature, and have created an atoll of my will.
now, now it will get interesting.

(but pray for me. i am a fiery mountain, yet a white-washed, watery carcass.)

let it come. o mountain upon mountain upon mountain of cloud and rain. i fear you not.
i am the key-holder. and i shall write you out of existence. tempt me not.

stay! hold thy wrath. submit o clouds! be stilled o sea!

and i shall walk upon thee.

6.14.10

from out of cool earth i emerge. softer. full. refreshed.

but now. a battle shall take place.

i go down, through precious soil into the hundreds of miles of sheer rock foundation, down.

into the freedom of the inferno.

there i go and my servants with me.

and we are warmed, purified, fortified.

out i come. sound the trumpets.

6.10.10

in. down. across.

to all these i have been.

citadels great i have visited. i've left my mark.

o fabric of heaven! you are, like us, more 'naught' than fiber.

i see through your web into the all. i have brought back souvenirs.

we shall see what happens next.

6.8.10

if i as a crumbly leaf, brown and wrinkled, floated up into the skies and saw one hundred kingdoms, would i be more a king, or less a king, than i am now?

if i feared for the feeding of my family due to my ostentatious wealth and precarious political position, rather than for the usual reasons, would i be less a pauper?

if my tears fell because i had lost in a large wager at the club table, rather than, as now, because god's angels give me vision of thunder and scarlet, would i be less holy?

to live is to me a mystery like waters and sand.

6.7.10

Be not the ministers of Job! Else read me not.

For life on Terra is suffering, death, destruction, mouldering. At every turn we face obstacle, stone, chain and lash.

Yet, this is a gift, truly, for it raises our eyes to the heaven which is below.

Deep. In the earth under earth. Below valleys. Under wells. Beneath the bottom of the sea.

There, in those regions which lie not--unlike the sky so sweet, the roses keen and kisses passionate--there, in that place of dark and loam and worm and blessed stone, there, there is my god. there is my refuge. there is my peace and joy. for there, at the very precipice of fire and water, lies salvation, truth, enlightenment, annihilation.

and so i dig, groping, in this outer darkness, stars and moon obscured, to claw beneath the hardened soil of foolishness and hope, to the softness of the earthly bosom. sweet earth.

sweet earth. take me as your lover. though small, i am passionate.

6.7.10

my fortress of sand. the rumble of chariots not far off.

time to pack up the family, load the mules, leave, and quickly.

i and my house shall move from Ur, and we shall go to a new land. a new land.

there milk and honey shall flow.

but first, we must make it to the first oasis on our trek, well away from the old city, before the marauders come.

we leave at midnight. tonight.

6.4.10

on the mat of terror and peace.

two veils separate me from. him.

form. form! i say!

be collected from the four corners.
be collected from the skies.
be collected from the waters.
be collected from the earth.
be collected from under the earth.
then descend.

and touch me.

5.30.10b

search not for understanding, approval;
there is none among your brethren.
seek out rejection, seek out disappointment,
seek out betrayal, and you shall be filled.

if you would find happiness, look only inside your grief,
search and sift among the dross of your disappointments, foolish thoughts, heartbreaks.
there you shall find a landing-place; and, with luck, and a good word,
you shall find yourself; you shall find a god.

with still more luck, your god with will be merciful, lovely, brave, helpful, sweet, broad-chested, and open-armed.

there, there you shall find rest and peace.


i am not quite sure why humans crave to congregate, perhaps they crave the known--evil--but known.

that call! that call! tire not of your prayers! rather sleep. to love another is to stab oneself with a steely knife. to be loved is to be stabbed with a knife of bone and lead.

5.30.10

my arms, the soft roughness of my robe. my waist, the tightness as i pull both sides together, i am wrapped.

i measure the sides of my covering, all even, a double-knot.
softly, softly, as snow slowed to a hover, the silk slithers down, down over my arms, my body, brushing my feet. i adjust my headdress. and then again, the sounds and lightest pressure of silk on silk as i am now covered as i should be.

and then, then, my crowns terrible fit, smugly, they have me.

down i kneel on my throne of thrones.

again to pray, to fly, to live, to die. again to salty feel tears, eyes blurred, the world whirls. my arms reach out to the altar and i stay erect.

one hand in the hand of the Beloved, the other, in the hand of my commander. we go, we go and i know not where, only that it is to another vista, anywhere but here.

o gods. i tremble for the road has led me long beyond my cable-tow, i am walking free yet not guideless through barrens and wilds. i shall never return, forever.

i know not even whether i shall reach a destination. for it is footfall, footfall, footfall. at least now that my boots have long since worn away, and the blisters healed, my feet are thickset with callus. but my heart, in turn, with each thickness added to my feet, is peeled thinly away, and beats like the unlidded eye of god upon myself, and i shudder.

5.21.10

slippers snug slip soundless on marble, polished, shined, pristine.
robes of white, black, red and purple glide just above.
silk on silk, still as deafness. as though there was no air, only vacuum--and my breath from some other source.

the marble extends a quarter mile in every direction from the center dais, once i reach it.
the tower soars above, 10,000 feet.
a ray of light shines down, unsure of itself.

i kneel on a throne of gold over silver, my cushions support me as i face the south, back to where the emptiness is, where a congregation could be,

but not even a dust mote finds purchase.

a triptych immense, bronze, burnished in front of me. upon it sigils and runes--runes ancient and inscrutable when socrates was a boy. yet i, i know them all.

the old gods of passion, of action, of movement, of soul and wind; they live. and their spirits are woven into my flesh, down into the sinews, down into the cells, down into the center of each cell: our will is one. i call them not for where i am they are.

and our will is expressed: a treasure of immeasurable size to me. and then temples, and writing, and the great work.

i have moved through the lake of time, forth and back to send me what i need in the NOW.

i am working, working in a way i cannot explain.

4.27.10

i lay out the praying clothes. first my mat, then my pillow to raise me up a bit. then the pure white robe, a blue mantle around my legs, a purple mantle around my shoulders. then, the great black chador, a true chadri, grill obscuring my face, luscious folds of sable black falling around me. i put a huge scarlet mantle over all and secure it with a flat-topped prayer cap. i am now ready. i place my hands on the spindly little table in front of me. and my coffee is as a dread draught of hell.
my groanings dark, high, low, screeching.

perfect.

4.20.10

twang of taught bike tires on hot tarmac.
bile rising in the heart.
all is bright and dim.
a voice commanding sure and low
a chopping voice
a hacking voice
a voice that has known killing and blood.
and i find it is me.
i scream into the sky blue in tongues long ago
under pyres, under cliffs, under siege.
and the voice is terrible.
even while the rise and fall flows and ferries me along my route
pedal dammit! don't forget to pedal!
i turn shyly from left to right; no one listening.

fresh from my pleas, my entreaties, my demands to my lover-god,
this voice takes form and a man rises out of the ground, blue ragged
mantle
dung-colored tunic
the voice is his.

cords of glass and steel and light and crashing flow out
his knarled fingers, bent, broken, puissant and masterful
a circle, two more, and runes flow out from him, out, up, to the front.

his speaking more clear than ever. i want to cover my ears but i must keep steering or die.
he speaks and two figures appear in a circle, cowering.
the teacher, for so he must be,
the teacher lecturing now, singsong, lilting, if old welsh with an old norse accent can lilt.
and then his piercing eyes, blue as sky, blue as bay water, greedy as a money-lender.
he looks to me and commands.
and i say in my own voice, my own tongue, sounding harsh and cracked as his own, what i command. and i do command, but put limits on the authority of these two, oh. just one to accomplish.
the other will stay hostage under the mission is complete.

and the master sings happily and gaily and he sings great tubes smaller atop the other, a round ziggurat rising to a pyramid. and the whole is complete and finished and gone.

and i am left, dazed, atop my bicycle. i am nearly home.

the master comes back, and he sings me a lullaby and tells me, i know, fear not!
it is now done.

i suppose it is truly who you know that matters.