Feeling alone today. Surrounded by the great pearl of god's power and grace, and all the saints, but still alone. Reminds me what Merton said about the new monks: once the thrill of wearing the habit wears off--there is a great period of pain before the novice gets used to the REALITY of the monastic life. Perhaps that's where i am. I do feel like a religious. Well, I have never been one so I don't know: but still, it's different. I feel as though I took my initial vows about 2 years ago, and now am facing my 'intermediate' vows. or have just taken them. my final vows are still in the distance.
o god. i have become a thing not human. my body no longer encases me. my spirit moves in and out of my body with no concern for spatial reality. sometimes it seems i am missing, and my body begins to shut down on its own.
even if he slay me, yet will I trust HIM.
5 comments:
If I may brother, let me encourage you to embrace this sacred aloneness. People today are scared of silence, scared of being alone. Use this time for a walk, to pray, to meditate or read. Spend a bit of time in nature, praising God for this time alone with Him.
Thanks, Father. I appreciate that advice. This morning during my prayers, I felt that sacred aloneness, and it was exquisite. I have learned over the past two years to crave being alone, but the aloneness of being unable to adequately commmunicate what i experience to an understanding audience is what i lament from time to time. Still. No matter. I am beginning to get a glimmer of what the calling to priesthood is: at least for the moment, i am experiencing myself as a font of grace--the font cares not on whom it rains, the just and unjust. nor is it even 'set up' to 'receive'. it is designed to pour otu. it's joy is the wellspring coming through it and feeling that grace pass through one into the world.
Thanks as always for your comments!
Dear Bro Pete,
I can relate to much of what you've written in this post. I am beginning to feel that being a(Christian) gnostic and experiencing aloneness just goes together-in a very good way! =)
I've known the great grief of feeling alone and abandoned by all and that is a terrible human experience. But gnostic Aloneness-ah-that's an entirely different matter! =)
When I am now physically alone, which is most of the time and relationships with friends have moved on, that horrible grief is no longer present!
To Know The Alone or All and be alone with the All is so wonderful that I find it scary at times, too-lol@mysel- but again, in a good way.
Yours Before The Sacred Flame
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