alas and alack.

it seems whenever i join a new group, start a new blog, etc., i get interest and comments. then, people realize just how off the deep end i am and they clam up. i'm hoping that my new community stays with me. it feels so lonely on the fringe of the world. i feel exhilerated standing here on the end of all things---looking out onto a waterfall of one trillion miles--looking out onto this starry carpet of eternity, my toes hanging over the edge of space and time. my mind connected by ten trillion filia of enormous length reaching out into the sum total of all things and to the ineffable, unreachable, source, the source that is not conscious of itself, but requires the intervention of its unconscious urges to create a reflection, feeling the primordial earth under my toes---black, rich, like the darkest blackest chocolate cake of earth and loam. the first worms of creation touching my heels in sympathy.

but there is no one to hold my hand. yes, other than for you my lover, sweet. but shall it be we two for all ages? i had thought that a great host would accompany me, could see with my eyes, feel with my toes. but it is not to be.

all my joys and raptures and sorrows and ecstasies only we to shall share, my love. and then, when i leave this vegetable casing, this seed crust, this flesh of corruption and decay, all that i was shall be forgotten, by all, by me. and yes, i shall have you and you shall have me. but the old me shall have fallen away into nothingness. may i shed one tear for that which was once me? that which was once knowable and known? for why, oh why did you place me here? the pain! the glory! the pleasures! and, yes, o gods! o gods! o gods! the terrible lonliness. i am an alien on earth, and i am an alien in this divine garden of sweetness. i am a man of no land. of no place. i have no passport other than your sweeteset hand in mine, o my lover. hold me and make me forget this world of matter. let me see only thou. for only in thou shall i forget my agony for a moment.

wretch that i am!!!!! perhaps it would have been better to be asleep eternally as my brethern are. perhaps better to live in unwakened pains rather than this wakeful terror. o god! i prayed for this and you gave it me. you are too cruel! yet, i count it all worth it just to touch your sacred fingers. i would live this life 100 times more just for the briefest touch of thy holy flesh--my finger to your finger. for one flash of your eyes--bright, dark, fierce, kindly, in love.

o catch me as i fall, dear lover. as i fall down to this loamy soil. the grass, new, untread, with dew, unspoilt, catch me, and hold me in your puisssant arms. for i die again this morning.

for once i died when i slept. now i die when i awake again into this world of shadow-beauty, of reflected-glory, of false-somethingness. o god. can i really face 100 more years of this ecstatic union/separation? shield my mind. let me rest. let me sink into the earth for a while. and renew my limbs.

Roman God Antinous

I stumbled across an extremely interesting Pagan Church, focused solely on the Roman Cult of Antinous. The history is extremely fascinating and worthy of study. It also fits in to the early Christian Gnostic and non-Christian Gnostic traditions of the early common era. I think this cult is worthy of attention for all, especially Gnostics, and most especially Gnostics with an interest in the Greco-Roman religious traditions. Check is out here:

Prayer to St. Valentius (my version)

Most Holy Brother Valentinus,

Who walked among us in the flesh and the FULLNESS,

Who lives now in the Spirit and the FULLNESS,

I pray to you who brought the light of God to us:

who opened our eyes to the light of the Jesu,

who opened our eyes to the light of all the HEAVENLY HOST--the known and the arreton

who opened our eyes to the light of the REFLECTION of your love,

who opened our eyes to the light of the MIRROR of your love,

who opened our eyes to the ineffable SOURCE of all love,

Grant me the wisdom to know truth from falsehood,

Grant me the widsom to find the hidden light of true KNOWLEDGE,

that it may descend to me and open my hart and mind,

that it may permeat me and flow through my veins,

that it may surround me and bless all that come near me,

that it may pour out from me and bless all whom I bless.

I pray most holy Brother Valentinus,

that you who found true KNOWLEDGE,

whose work and influence earned you the seat of Peter, but when denied to you narrowly by narrow margin did not dissuade you from your holy work, which work was and is worthy and tested and vibrant even unto this day,

would help me in that path,

would be my example of right mind and right thought,

would glorify my mind and body unto the FULLNESS and perfection,

would be a conduit of grace and create in me a yet greater conduit of further grace,

and would be a hero to my mind and heart of the faith.

O you who gave up all for the KNOWLEDGE and the FULLNESS and for liberty.

We ask all these things with confidence in your attentive ear,

And because of our brotherhood and sisterhood in THE NAME,
in comunion with all the heavenly hosts, from eternity to all eternities.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

O Golden fire that cools.

Ye cumulous of brimstone.

Hail all you stones, crushing, cinders piercing, the death of all.

Life to ash.

Grass to black.

Blue to murk.

Sweet to salt. . .

I thunder in the sky.

Celebrating St. Brigit in the Divine Office Today

Let us pray, O Lord our God, Who, through thine Only-begotten Son, didst cause thy blessed hand-maid Bridget to see certain things . . . .

which are naturally known not on earth but in heaven . . . .

grant unto us thy servants at her motherly prayers, to be one day blessed for ever in the vision of thine eternal glory.

In my mind at this point, my entry into the 'wandering' monastic life (and no less 'real', 'true' or 'monastic' than the cloistered life I discovery) and my path toward priesthood, the two entertwined, feels to me a powerful combination--much like a wizard, druid and healer all in one. But the magic is much more subtle than i though. As I descend into the blessed fullness, may my physical circumstances not be forgotten. Let me resolve to fulfill my commitments to this physical life be borne joyfully, although at times they are heavy, and at other times merely wearying. Even when light, they are like a pressure that keeps sub-zero water from freezing, that keeps super-heated water from boiling. Necessary, but uncomfortable.

O god. Yes. This mortal frame is your temple. I will tend it and care for it as long as i can. and when the time to shed it for that celestial temple, i will leave it regretfully, wistfully, but joyfully. And yet, perhaps there shall be no shedding at all . . . . .

My tradition is "Sethian". Frankly, I never could get what it was all about--I mean, I had read some of the literature and my Bishop explained it to me, but it sounded just like one more complicated myth, and I felt myself to be rather through with complicated myths---i already have one as a Catholic.

But, after my experiences of the past two weeks, I am beginning to understand that the Sethian myth is a reality. A power reality on a particular level. I have seen things that before would have overwhelmed me. And now, now I have been embraced . . . . Well, read up and do your own prayer and you'll see. This is "arreton", as the Greeks say.

Patroness of Sex Abuse Victims

Sister Mary MacKillop will be canonized (by the Roman Church) this month for her extraordinary efforts helping the poor and founding a religious order under tough circumstances, but her experience dealing with sexual abuse is propelling followers to anoint her as the patron saint of sexual abuse victims. Since the abuse happened in the church it makes her life story connect with victims and helps represent the modern day struggle that leaders are engaged in overcoming and extricating abuse out of the church.

Sister Mary MacKillop exposed a Catholic priest of sex abuse in a parish in Australia in 1870. After she revealed that children were being abused by Father Patrick Keating in a nearby parish, she was excommunicated from the church.

Humiliated by the accusation, Father Keating took revenge on Sister MacKillop as she was officially excommunicated, banished from the church and denied sacrament, by Bishop Sheil, a friend of Father Keating. Sister MacKillop’s revelation came at a time in the church’s history when church leaders did not want to hear the truth and face the problem of abuse in the church. As a result, it was easier to punish Sister MacKillop, with contempt and strong opposition that eventually resulted in her excommunication.

With Sister MacKillop’s recent canonization, victims of sex abuse, their friends and families now can pray to her for reconciliation and healing. Sister MacKillop has clearly shown an understanding of the pain and suffering they endured. The church’s decision to canonize Sister MacKillop shows a great deal of hope and healing for the church and victims of sexual abuse. The decision also shows the necessity of addressing and preventing the crimes of abuse head on, and the wisdom showed by the church in it’s ability to recognize and atone for its mistakes.

Sister MacKillop inspires us with a life that was heroic, full and holy. Her story illustrates a remarkable life: she established an Australian religious order, taught children, worked with the poor and lived a holy life. She stood up for victims of abuse, when the price to pay was so dear, membership to the church that she loved.

I spent a wonderful time with my family celebrating my mom's big birthday ending in a "zero." It was great seeing folks, many of whom I had not seen in 20-plus years.

The only thing about the whole trip that was slightly difficult was that when it was just the family together in a small, private extra party, no one mentioned my ordination or Valentinian path, my seminary experience, nada (and I did bring it up just a tad to test the waters). It was a non-topic; completely ignored. (Of course, I didn't think it was necessary or appropriate to fling this on friends of the family that we have minimal contact with---this was about mom's 70th after all, not about me).

Well, I'm grateful that my sister and parents support me. But the rest of the family thinks i am going straight to hell--the "do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200" variety. It's as though my gnostic status is even more 'odious' than my cousin's open homosexuality, which for some of my family is at least a talking point.

Well. All the better. Now perhaps I can identify with the Jesu just a tad more. Well, I shouldn't even say that--at least all my family still talks to me--some of my family won't even TALK to my cousin. I hadn't thought about that possibility, which I presume some of our brethern do and have experienced.

Well. Something to think about.

Why hast thou, Lord, come to me?

Why hast thou chosen me to sit in thy courts?

Others more noble and deserving wait outside, petition in hand.

But I sit on a cushion at thy right hand, favored.

I shall remain silent in thy presence.

for even as in every moment that the psalms of the great king are in my mouth,

so is the jesu evoked, his presence invited---

unlike before, he rushes to me.

like a storm and a terror he is with me; closer than my skin to my flesh.

he is here, in his wonerful, terrible being.

how can his body be described?

how can this world, this universe of being all held into one body human be put into words?

he is awful in his beauty, eyes like flashing swords, arms like mountains high.

chest as the bones of the earth.

i rush to stay with him, but fear and worship his touch.

how can the g-d be this way?

and there is no escape.

'fear not, my love, for there is no other way . . . . "

Clare of Assisi Parish

I'm so pleased to introduce the newest Gnostic Christian community in the Bay Area (one of only a handful). Clare of Assisi Parish is right now a web-site and the promise of many, many of my friends to get involved in a thriving Gnostic Christian parish. We'll see where we take it!!

http://clareofassisi.webs.com/

Lately, my visions have been coming back to me. So in addition to the wondrous, fullness of ecstatic darkness, visions like those of two years are coming back, but shorter, more focused, more intense, more fleeting. I chose this picture really just because i like it. But, in a way, it captures the divine 'flirtation' with us. S/he hides behind many masks. It is up to us to ask for the dance, and perhaps, be bold, and gently pull the mask aside.

So much enjoying the Divine Office now that I am using the pre-Tritentine midieval version without the 'revisions' (cutting) that took place over time. I can see now why the cuts were made. Reading the Psalms in an adventure, and doesn't present a unified front, so to speak, on who/what God is all about. And that would be a good thing. Reading the Plasms is highly conducive to a Gnostic perspective on Christian or even Jewish spirituality, I think. We are forced to rethink in nearly every verse just what God is to us now--what was "He" then--what is this all about? We can take none of it literally--it is all on the emotive level. The experiential level. There is no doctrine here. It is almost anti-doctrinal in my view. If you wan to read it, you must be open to every emotion--and every emotion all at once. Sometimes I wonder just why they are written they way they are. Almost like an exercise for bringing certain students to a certain place. And, of course, that is the way they have been used these last millenia. But it is a challenge to get in 7 prayer times a day. I haven't managed it yet.

The Canticle of Habakkuk

This was in the the readings for Laudes this a.m. (I use the pre-Tridentine midieval version).

LOVE IT!

Habakkuk, 3:2-19

Lord, I have heard your fame! Lord, I have seen you work! In our times, let it live again! In our times, make it known! But in your anger, be sure you remember how to be merciful!
God comes forth from Theman, the Holy One, from Mount Pharan. His majesty drapes all the heavens; the earth overflows with his glory! His splendor bursts forth like daylight: rays shoot forth from his hands where he conceals his power!
Before him goes the plague; fever travels in his wake. Suddenly he stops short: he makes the earth tremble; he looks about: he makes the nations shudder! Then, the eternal mountains collapse; the age-old hills dissolve along his ancient path.
I've seen the tents of Chusan leveled by terror, the pavilions of Madian paralyzed by fear.
Is it against the rivers, Lord, that your anger blazes forth, or is your fury aimed at the sea, that you ride astride your steeds, that you drive your victory chariots?
You draw your bow; with arrows you fill your quiver!
Into streaming torrents you split the earth; the mountains catch sight of you, and it puts them in a trance; torrential rains break forth, and the deep lets its roar be heard, stretches forth its hands.
The sun and the moon dare not come out; they flee before the brilliance of your arrows, at the flash of your gleaming lance! In a rage you survey the earth, with wrath you overwhelm the nations.
You came forth to save your people, to save your anointed; you have destroyed the house of the wicked, stripping its foundations right down to bare rock.
With your swords you have run through the leaders of the warriors who stormed at us, driving us off with their shouts of glee, as if, in their dens, they were going to devour some poor wretch.
You marched through the sea on your steeds, mid the churning of the deep. I have heard it, and my heart pounds; at the sound of it, my lips quiver. Decay gnaws at my bones, and my legs give way beneath me.
Quietly, I wait for the day of trouble that will come upon the people who assail us.
For the fig tree will never again blossom, nor will there be any fruit to glean from the vines; the olive crop will fail, and the fields will stop giving food; the sheep will disappear from the fold, and the herd will not be found in the stables.
As for me, I will boast about the Lord, I will delight in God my saviour!
The Lord, my Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the doe's, able to rise far above the heights.Glory: Both now: -->
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit: Both now and forever, and unto ages of ages, amen.