8.3.10

and i said to myself 'i am one, i am no longer many.'
and at once i was taken down into the crypt of ages, that crypt which is so beloved to me--so many journeys have begun there.

and out i came, and lo! my wings spread wide and glorious and my beak opened in a call of deathly screeching and power. the sun reflected harsh and bright from my scales of purple royal. my two legs flexed in joy in their thinnest golden ringlets and talons; they grip as vices, pierce like razors, shred as sabers bright.

and then i was one. yet again 'myself'.

7.29.10

Feeling alone today. Surrounded by the great pearl of god's power and grace, and all the saints, but still alone. Reminds me what Merton said about the new monks: once the thrill of wearing the habit wears off--there is a great period of pain before the novice gets used to the REALITY of the monastic life. Perhaps that's where i am. I do feel like a religious. Well, I have never been one so I don't know: but still, it's different. I feel as though I took my initial vows about 2 years ago, and now am facing my 'intermediate' vows. or have just taken them. my final vows are still in the distance.

o god. i have become a thing not human. my body no longer encases me. my spirit moves in and out of my body with no concern for spatial reality. sometimes it seems i am missing, and my body begins to shut down on its own.

even if he slay me, yet will I trust HIM.

7.28.10

I recommend reading the right-hand column of Sr. Laurel's blog: it has some great quotes about the eremitic life. Funny: they sound just like what the mystic, the Gnostic and any contemplative is striving for. This seems to me to lead even more credence to the statement by Rahner that soon, there will be no Christians unless they are mystics.

7.28.10

Sr. Laurel is always good for great insights into the spiritual life. I liked her post here on 'desiring mystical experiences.'

I believe that mystical experiences are indeed seductive. And to the mystic who desires the milk and honey of these experiences, do not cease in your seeking but in every moment allow the spirit to overwhelm you with grace. Some experience daily, moment-by-moment 'mystical' experiences every day of their lives. Some, only for a time; others, rarely. But to seek continually is good and holy.

There are only two cautions: a) sometimes mystical experiences take you where you fear to go. If you do not 'go' to the frightening places, then you are allowing your own will to override the higher will of the God-in-you. Never place any bounds on what you 'see' 'hear' 'touch' or 'feel' in those experiences. And always write them down. The longer you are able to withstand riding on the tiger's back, the longer you can stand or sit under the fire hose power of god's cleansing waters, the more you will rejoice, AND BE AFRAID and yet find greater peace. "Mystical" experiences are NOT spiritual candy to be doled out. That is WRONG. Mystical experiences are a way of life and for most individuals, they CAN be a daily experience life-long. There is never TOO MUCH of the visions, NEVER 'too much' of the divine joy and grace of the mystical life. I say 'bah' to those that would seek to bind you with guilt that you are a 'spiritual glutton' 'spiritually immature', etc., etc., (even subtly). Be bold! AND YET . . .

b) Sometimes when you open yourself to prayer, there will be 'nothing.' YET, this too IS mystical. Allow darkness, nothingness, silence, pain, anguish, all of these, to be just as holy as the amazing visions of 4-headed angels (or whatever). Fear not: there are layers and layers and layers to work through until you reach full unity with the Divine. And even then, there are layers still. The work never ends. The point is to be fully open to God. I believe that the failure of many in our traditions is that we do not push far enough into that other realm. If we truly seek it, we will always, ALWAYS be led to good works (not by design, but naturally) and also to full honesty with ourselves. And to wholeness.

So, in reality, there are NO warnings and NO concerns. Throw yourself from the precipice of your rational understanding and fear not to hit the ground. Whatever you experience, treasure in your heart. And do NOT let the skepticism of anyone daunt you. However, it IS best to keep your experiences to yourself, perhaps only relating them to ONE individual that you know is a fearless contemplative. If you receive words of caution and reservation from them, however, cease talking to them. You must pursue your 'folly' to find wisdom. Follow the injunction of St. Clare!!!!!!! (quoted at the top of this blog).

That doesn't mean that the mystical life isn't 'dangerous'. Far from it. But if you persist in what you know to be true on the inside, you will be fine. The point is to trust, trust, and trust again.

To anyone who tells you differently say (inside) "get behind me!".

7.28.10

cover thy face.
cover thy body.
let no one see your eyes.
let no spirit see thy hands.

for thou are holy.
to look upon you, unprepared, is death.

even as moses came down from on high
and a covering was made for his face
for the light that came from it was pain and death to those who saw it.

even so, your entire body shall be made like unto the powerful rays of the sun at midday.
to look upon you will be suffering to the impure.

but to the few, blessing and healing.

7.27.10

prayer is like working magic tricks--a child could do it---with 20 years experience.

my experience today felt like that. it was simple---but it's taken me 29 years of prayer and lots of trial and error to get there.

7.26.10

in my lonliness, i sometimes wonder if it would be safe to ask to be freed from it.
perhaps i am safer in my world of beauty, of exquisite pains, of sweet nothings.
the occasional passerby seems to intersect a part of my world from time to time, but like a traveler from another place altogether other, their eyes can see only what they expect, and so, see little. i try to show them my prized roses, but they can see only ashes.

but perhaps, my garden grows best in solitude. and even, on occasion, my blessed trees, my beloved vines, and my precious flowers ask me to leave them in further solitude for a spell. they have their own secret rites as well. when they invite me back in, all is more wondrous than before.

so, i garden and bask and love and cry and fear nearly alone. and perhaps the once-in-a-while visitor makes it all the more sweet.

7.25.10

what is god, religion, faith, prayer. and why.
if theosis is a reality, and achieved, then what?

and so, if we are become the heart of god, what shall we do?
as i do not know, i can only imitate based on wild guesses.

i'll presume creation, love of beauty, sensuality, sporadic spurts of destruction, but never total.

so off i go.

7.23.10

Love Mgsr. Jordan's newest post. "Fern-ness". Priceless. Very zen.

He made a comment about how hard the AJC seminary process is and that most seminarians give up. I'm sure it's true, although it's true of the big churches, too. It's funny, and although I'm not an AJC seminarian, my own seminary experience is similar. My Bishop just this week told me what I need to 'become' (I already know what I need to 'do') in order to just enter the deaconate (as to the former up to now it's always been, 'we'll see'). You wouldn't believe the answer even if i told you. But I'm not in the least perturbed, ruffled or even surprised. I'm too busy being a 'fern.' Although I'm a pretty sexy fern, so that's something . . . . I can feel my fronds, my stem, and roots going down into the holy soil. And the fine mist. It is enough.

Thanks Jordan. You've nailed it again!

7.22.10

auger red.
pot of black.
woad in abundance.
stain me now. cover me. let my body be the book of the law.
may my flesh be a holy icon.

my lidded eyes have secrets. my arms show the might of god.
my back his symbols esoteric and terrible.
runes of glory, runes of power, runes of death on my chest, my ribs, my loins.
on my legs, the hope of glory.
i have become the ****. the **** cannot be named.

if you are ready to die, to lay your flesh on the ground, to let your mind be consumed, you may read my body with your fingers. and the burning shall not stop until your madness is consumed.

i shall do with you things more terrible than you can imagine, my eyes alone pierce and cut to your heart. i pierce bone and sinew. the merest touch of my finger would slay the greatest demon inside you.

that is enough.

only those who need me not may lie with me. and then why? for my union is the union with all things.

beware, as your eyes will spin, the world a void, the stars brighter than suns, the darkness welcome.

do you not yet see? I am the hunter of men. you shall die, your blood nurturing the virgin grass. and from your corpse, from your corpse, from your corpse i say, shall come a new heaven and a new earth.

7.21.10

"Condemned to Freedom." Read Hoeller's quite excellent essay (not without its flaws, I'll put in) on sexuality. I particularly love his reference to the British quip: “Do what you wish, but don’t do it in the road and frighten the horses.”

7.20.10

And there shall be no other.

And you shall see well with only darkness to light your path.

The light of others shall blind you. And so you don the holy vestments that I provide, vestments that cover your head, and eyes, and body pure.

And you shall walk, walk with faith beyond faith. For you know nothing of any world other than the ground beneath your feet; yet, you walk confidently, like a field-marshall across his battlefield, like a wizard to meet the opposing army, like a priest of the holy fire confronting evil.

There shall be no foe that shall daunt you.

For you are bereft of fear, abandoned by pain, ignored by death. You know only your purpose, sealed and tattooed and branded and scarred into your flesh. Your flesh so holy and white, so pure and fragrant--it is as iron upon iron, steel over steel, ivory new over fire.

Walk uprightly! Your every stride is a conquering. Your every heart-beat is of a victorious tyrant over lands long lusted-for.

Arise! Be taken up into the highest heaven! For you are a prophet who in every moment has fulfilled his calling. Each prickle of a hair against your skin is greater than the collision of worlds.

Praise! Glory! Exaltation! This life, this life is only for those who can accept much pleasure, laugh at tears and smile at pains, wounds to the bone are as flies at soup.

Your will is unbearable, unbreakable. For if it were to break, the world would collapse in ash and putrefaction. The sun would sink into nothingness and the cosmos dissolve. You are the backbone of the ages. The superstructure of all things. Fear! Loathing! Unbearable Light!

And they wonder why we cover ourselves in prayer.

Oh God! O Will! O Love! O my soul! Care for the souls near us. Let them not die in ashes, but let our grace protect them from us. So that we may love also and destroy only that which is not Us, not You, not Holy.

And the burdens, crushing, of immortal power and flame and smoke crush us down to death, yet we find the smallest of crevices in which to yet breathe, command, act. We live to live; breathe to breathe, we eat to eat. And in our hands, powers unnameable.

7.20.10

I've had fun with my other (professional) blog today. take a visit----it's all about "ruthlessness". I think we as mystics/gnostics/nonconforming participants in this great process of universal theosis, will find the below song and video extremely satisfying, ironic, and thought-provoking. Take a look. Afterwards, if you are interested, you can visit my other site (it's all about professional development, etc.) here.

The Calling - Wherever You Will Go (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: The Calling

7.17.10

i have one physical challenge that occasionally is not ameliorated by medication. today is one of those days. makes every movement, every breath, every thought and action close to unbearable. the only relief is my holy work. so i'm looking forward to my afternoon quiet time. alot.

peace to all those who deal with pain of whatever sort every day---i am so thankful that i experience my disability only once a month or less. (well, that's with the perspective, somewhat suspect, that my 'normal' functioning is, well, 'normal'). ;-)

blessings,
p

A Diversion---The (Inverted) Theology of the LOTR

OK. Am I the ONLY one to notice that maybe, JUST MAYBE, JRR Tolkien was either anti-gnostic (unconsciously) or PURPOSELY made the conflict in the LOTR ambiguous--so ambiguous that perhaps we are intended to think about the story THE OTHER WAY AROUND???!!!

I mean, the symbol of the oneness of a ring seems holy enough; and it certainly seems that dwarves and elves have been in rebellion against their ring-giver (liege) (Sauron). And it also seems clear that the great kings who were given their nine rings have immortal life. Why is this picture starting to look all 'slanty'? Have we noticed that the world of men has DIMINISHED since Sauron was rejected and allegedly defeated? Why have they not REPOPULATED in 3 thousand years? Come on. It doesn't take that long. Orcs are derisively called hideous and weak and wrecked elves: but what else WOULD you call elves who made the OTHER decision; the decision to stay loyal to the POWER in Middle-Earth? And besides, there is no question that the elves are navel-gazing quitters. They care little (if anything) for any other life form and at any rate are taking their leave of the Earth for no apparent reason other than their own whim. If Sauron is SO EVIL, why not stay and fight? Also, any possible CONNECTION with Sauron (the palantiri) is considered to drive men mad or evil. Hmm. It all very much smacks of 'he who wins the battle writes the history'. And the story, if one is a little creative, could be written entirely from another perspective (a la "Wicked" vs. "The Wizard of Oz."

For example, is it not true that Sauron's kingdom, while employing physical creatures, is one "not of this earth"? Is it not true that wearing the ONE RING gives the wearer the ability to see another realm--a spiritual realm that becomes more and more real while the physical reality becomes more and more dim and shadowy? Doesn't this sound just like what the mystical / gnostic life is like?

I won't belabor it, but I get the feeling that this book is all wrong, and perhaps intentionally so: just like the Rabbis of old telling the people NOT to read or think about certain passages--only for their own good (that is, for the stupid and lazy) and only to challenge the worthy (to break their injunction and find the sweet, hidden truths within Torah).

Just a thought.

That, and I think Balrogs are really, really cool. How could something so cool be evil? After all, who disturbed WHOSE dwelling? Who trespassed against WHOSE dominion?

And I can't help but put in the parting shot about the Rohirrim---whose land was STOLEN from the native inhabitants and given to them by a more powerful king (Gondor), and nurtured a 1000 year enmity. What does THAT sound like, eh?

Just riffing . . . . .